Fear

If you have been in my life for very long you have probably heard me say don't live in fear. The bible says do not fear 365 times. So I have been told. If so, God must have known how crippling fear is in our lives and how often it would attack us. Some people don't even know that they live in fear. I didn't think I did. There was a time I lived in fear. I lived in an apartment in Tulsa right off of Riverside. A girl was found dead in a drainage ditch less than a hundred feet from the house, someone was murdered at my laundromat, and a serial rapist had been chased off of my back porch. I lived in fear. When my husband at the time would leave for work at 3 or 4 in the morning, I would stay up until the sun came up, and then crash. I was scared. That kind of fear is easy to recognize. You feel your pulse race, and your heartbeat thunders. You feel as if you can't breathe. It is like that moment before a car wreck when you see it coming and can't do anything about it. Not long after that we moved and the fear subsided.
There is another fear not so easily recognized. People call it anything but fear. Some people call it love. I love him, and no matter what he does I can't let go. Really they are scared, scared they will never find someone to love them like that again. Sometimes they are scared of being alone.
Parents will sometimes enable their children in the name of love, but really its fear. They fear that God will not follow through on his promises. They fear their children will feel the same pain that they have felt in life. Sometimes they don't realize that the very pain they experienced shaped them. Today I realized I was living in fear. I wanted to kick myself, because I never realized it was fear. Today I said maybe God made me to be single. Maybe I was not meant for marriage. I maintain pretty well just me and God. Did you hear that? I was justifying my fear. I am not saying some are not made for the single life. I believe God has a special place for us in singleness. However, I don't believe I was created to be single. I believe I am in this place in my life for God to grow me. He is pruning me. He is bringing the negative to light. He is helping me discern the lies from the truth. Today he helped me discern that I was not created to be alone. Today he showed me I was speaking in fear of rejection. The most damaging thing about my divorce is that someone knew me. He knew my heart, and my spirit. He knew my flaws. He knew every good thing about me, and every bad, and didn't choose me. I am smart enough to know it is not all about me. We each have to figure out life on our own. Sometimes we put undue pressure on ourselves and others. Sometimes we are unhappy and want to blame someone or something because we can't understand ourselves and our pain. I know this, and I know that it takes two for any relationship to end. I know a lot of stuff, but their is always that little voice in the back of your mind that says why couldn't I be enough. While I was thinking about this simple life of singleness I was enjoying a familiar country song came on the TV. It sangs that's the good stuff. I realized I want the good stuff! I was made for the good stuff! I want to be 80 years old in a little rocker on my front porch and look to my right and see a man that melts my heart. I want to look at his worn wrinkled hands and love them knowing how hard we worked to get there. Until I want to laugh so hard every day until I cry. I want to explore the world with him, and feel safe in his strong arms. Right now I am still going to do that. I am not going to put my life on hold waiting for someone. I am going to appreciate the days, and appreciate my children. I am going to laugh with my girlfriends, and explore the mysteries and secret treasures of this world with God. I am going to get out in the back yard and play with my kids, and paint memories on my mind. Then someday when the time is right, and I am ready, and God is ready He is going to send me that imperfect flawed beautiful man that will take my hand and walk this life with me. So today I throw perfection and rejection out the window. Tomorrow when I wake, I will say to myself Do not fear.