One bad day

Sometimes, I just want to be a woman. I don't want to be a single mom, a full time student, a worker. i don't want to feel like the whole world is resting on my shoulders. I know it isn't I know God is taking care of me, but sometimes I turn in a circle, and there is no one there but me. That's the downfall of being single. Sometimes single means just that single. All it takes to remind me that there is a relationship I long for but am not getting is a touch. a much needed hug. I just want to curl up in the arms of a man and have him hold me, rub my arm, kiss my forehead, and love me. This is the emotional side of me. The weaker side of me that wants to give in to temptation and lower my standards. I understand lonely women, and I understand godly women who do stupid things in the name of lonliness. Sometimes I am one. I fight this never ending battle between what I believe I want out of life and a man, and what i want out of right now. I am always trying to keep my present aligned with my future, but sometimes it seems more aligned with my past. Will I ever overcome myself? Will I ever let go and let God lead completely. Why did I have to open that door again. That door that says you have a physical and emotional need to be touched, to be loved. Will I ever feel that I measure up to my own expectations or the expectations of a good man. Today I am tired. Today I am broke. Today I am overwhelmed. Today I am weak. God you say your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Carry me through another day. Carry me through another season in my life. If your reading this and feeling sad for me please don't. I am a very blessed person. I am blessed with my health and the health of my children. I am blessed to have a wonderful home and a wonderful God who not only provides my every need but gives me a sound mind to distinguish between right and wrong. I am further than most that I can see my imperfections, and take full responsibility for my actions. No one put me here! I put myself here.

A prayer for a tired soul

Lord we come to you today needing rest. We acknowledge that your yoke is easy and your burden is light. Sometimes we put more on ourselves than we can handle. We hold on to baggage we were never intended to carry. Help us to trust in you! Help us to release the burdens and sins that so easily entangle. Help us to bear the fruits of your spirit. Let our lives reflect our faith in you. You have said that you can do powerful things with faith as small as a mustard seed. I am sorry Lord that sometimes that is all the faith we have. Let us rest in your arms today, because rest is the activity of faith. Let us be renewed through your words, and the meditations of our souls. Let the palpitations of our hearts be in harmony with yours. Let us not blend into the crowd but be set apart by your work. Most of all Lord let it be known that the difference is You. It is your power in our lives. The light is from you. Cover our imperfections with your love. Help us to forgive as you have forgiven us. In Jesus name Amen.

My prayer to my children

Adapted from "My Single Mom Life," by Angela Thomas, and from wise words of a wise woman.

Oh God they are yours. Please cover my imperfect parenting with your love. May your strength be made perfect in my weakness. Break Heaven loose over their lives. Send angels to guide where I have misdirected. Fulfill their greatest spiritual needs. Guard their bodies and minds. Bend their wills unto you. Protect there spirits. Cover them with the blood of Jesus, and set them apart as yours!

House keeping

Today I was thinking about how amazing God is in my life. I am so flawed and without his miraculous intervention I would accomplish nothing. Take my job for example God gave gave me the most perfect job after my husband left. He made me a house keeper. Although I am not always perfect at it, he gave me a perfect job. I remember going to my pastor in desperation looking for a job. I needed a job that fit in with my full time school schedule and allowed me to pick up my kids every day from school. I needed to make the most money in the least amount of time. My pastor referred me to Patricia. She was such a God send. She had and still has great boundaries, a greatly needed attribute in my boundary less world. More than that she was a christian. a true christian. A strong woman of God that I desperately needed. I kept waiting for her to tell me I was fired. The whole year was such an emotional roller coaster. She never did that however. She gently guided me back in the right direction. Her consistency was amazing. Originally I went to apply for a job in her office. She told me to come down and fill out an application. I told her I wasn't dressed appropriately, and she said it didn't matter just come fill it out. So I showed up in my t shirt with no makeup on hair pulled back. I laugh thinking about it now. I was so stressed out scatterbrained out of my mind. She called me the next day and said that her husband had already filled the position and she was really sorry. I could tell she was disappointed. She then asked if I liked to clean, or would be interested in cleaning her house. I said I can. I can, meaning I will do whatever to take care of these kids but no I hate cleaning house. See I didn't really believe I was capable of cleaning a house anymore. I had spent years trying to keep my own house clean to no avail. There was, and still is at least one room that is a pit at all times. God had other plans though. I would have chose a very social job. I would have engulfed myself in the lives of others, and not thought about my life, or my kids, using as little time to reflect as possible. God put me in a job where for the most part there is complete solitude. He also made it physical labor so that while I was reflecting on my life, my situation, my failed marriage, I could use all that anger and pain and scrub the crap out of something. One thing God knew however was that I love to serve and bless people. When I clean someone's house I get a lot of satisfaction knowing that my work is making someone's home more enjoyable. When they walk into their home they can breathe a sigh of relief, and spend time with the people that truly matter. It is so neat how God works. I have learned so much about myself. I also learned that not only can I clean a whole house well in the matter of hours, I can clean a house three times my houses size in under 5 hours. I don't know what my future holds, but I know with God it will be great!

Fear

If you have been in my life for very long you have probably heard me say don't live in fear. The bible says do not fear 365 times. So I have been told. If so, God must have known how crippling fear is in our lives and how often it would attack us. Some people don't even know that they live in fear. I didn't think I did. There was a time I lived in fear. I lived in an apartment in Tulsa right off of Riverside. A girl was found dead in a drainage ditch less than a hundred feet from the house, someone was murdered at my laundromat, and a serial rapist had been chased off of my back porch. I lived in fear. When my husband at the time would leave for work at 3 or 4 in the morning, I would stay up until the sun came up, and then crash. I was scared. That kind of fear is easy to recognize. You feel your pulse race, and your heartbeat thunders. You feel as if you can't breathe. It is like that moment before a car wreck when you see it coming and can't do anything about it. Not long after that we moved and the fear subsided.
There is another fear not so easily recognized. People call it anything but fear. Some people call it love. I love him, and no matter what he does I can't let go. Really they are scared, scared they will never find someone to love them like that again. Sometimes they are scared of being alone.
Parents will sometimes enable their children in the name of love, but really its fear. They fear that God will not follow through on his promises. They fear their children will feel the same pain that they have felt in life. Sometimes they don't realize that the very pain they experienced shaped them. Today I realized I was living in fear. I wanted to kick myself, because I never realized it was fear. Today I said maybe God made me to be single. Maybe I was not meant for marriage. I maintain pretty well just me and God. Did you hear that? I was justifying my fear. I am not saying some are not made for the single life. I believe God has a special place for us in singleness. However, I don't believe I was created to be single. I believe I am in this place in my life for God to grow me. He is pruning me. He is bringing the negative to light. He is helping me discern the lies from the truth. Today he helped me discern that I was not created to be alone. Today he showed me I was speaking in fear of rejection. The most damaging thing about my divorce is that someone knew me. He knew my heart, and my spirit. He knew my flaws. He knew every good thing about me, and every bad, and didn't choose me. I am smart enough to know it is not all about me. We each have to figure out life on our own. Sometimes we put undue pressure on ourselves and others. Sometimes we are unhappy and want to blame someone or something because we can't understand ourselves and our pain. I know this, and I know that it takes two for any relationship to end. I know a lot of stuff, but their is always that little voice in the back of your mind that says why couldn't I be enough. While I was thinking about this simple life of singleness I was enjoying a familiar country song came on the TV. It sangs that's the good stuff. I realized I want the good stuff! I was made for the good stuff! I want to be 80 years old in a little rocker on my front porch and look to my right and see a man that melts my heart. I want to look at his worn wrinkled hands and love them knowing how hard we worked to get there. Until I want to laugh so hard every day until I cry. I want to explore the world with him, and feel safe in his strong arms. Right now I am still going to do that. I am not going to put my life on hold waiting for someone. I am going to appreciate the days, and appreciate my children. I am going to laugh with my girlfriends, and explore the mysteries and secret treasures of this world with God. I am going to get out in the back yard and play with my kids, and paint memories on my mind. Then someday when the time is right, and I am ready, and God is ready He is going to send me that imperfect flawed beautiful man that will take my hand and walk this life with me. So today I throw perfection and rejection out the window. Tomorrow when I wake, I will say to myself Do not fear.