One bad day

Sometimes, I just want to be a woman. I don't want to be a single mom, a full time student, a worker. i don't want to feel like the whole world is resting on my shoulders. I know it isn't I know God is taking care of me, but sometimes I turn in a circle, and there is no one there but me. That's the downfall of being single. Sometimes single means just that single. All it takes to remind me that there is a relationship I long for but am not getting is a touch. a much needed hug. I just want to curl up in the arms of a man and have him hold me, rub my arm, kiss my forehead, and love me. This is the emotional side of me. The weaker side of me that wants to give in to temptation and lower my standards. I understand lonely women, and I understand godly women who do stupid things in the name of lonliness. Sometimes I am one. I fight this never ending battle between what I believe I want out of life and a man, and what i want out of right now. I am always trying to keep my present aligned with my future, but sometimes it seems more aligned with my past. Will I ever overcome myself? Will I ever let go and let God lead completely. Why did I have to open that door again. That door that says you have a physical and emotional need to be touched, to be loved. Will I ever feel that I measure up to my own expectations or the expectations of a good man. Today I am tired. Today I am broke. Today I am overwhelmed. Today I am weak. God you say your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Carry me through another day. Carry me through another season in my life. If your reading this and feeling sad for me please don't. I am a very blessed person. I am blessed with my health and the health of my children. I am blessed to have a wonderful home and a wonderful God who not only provides my every need but gives me a sound mind to distinguish between right and wrong. I am further than most that I can see my imperfections, and take full responsibility for my actions. No one put me here! I put myself here.

A prayer for a tired soul

Lord we come to you today needing rest. We acknowledge that your yoke is easy and your burden is light. Sometimes we put more on ourselves than we can handle. We hold on to baggage we were never intended to carry. Help us to trust in you! Help us to release the burdens and sins that so easily entangle. Help us to bear the fruits of your spirit. Let our lives reflect our faith in you. You have said that you can do powerful things with faith as small as a mustard seed. I am sorry Lord that sometimes that is all the faith we have. Let us rest in your arms today, because rest is the activity of faith. Let us be renewed through your words, and the meditations of our souls. Let the palpitations of our hearts be in harmony with yours. Let us not blend into the crowd but be set apart by your work. Most of all Lord let it be known that the difference is You. It is your power in our lives. The light is from you. Cover our imperfections with your love. Help us to forgive as you have forgiven us. In Jesus name Amen.

My prayer to my children

Adapted from "My Single Mom Life," by Angela Thomas, and from wise words of a wise woman.

Oh God they are yours. Please cover my imperfect parenting with your love. May your strength be made perfect in my weakness. Break Heaven loose over their lives. Send angels to guide where I have misdirected. Fulfill their greatest spiritual needs. Guard their bodies and minds. Bend their wills unto you. Protect there spirits. Cover them with the blood of Jesus, and set them apart as yours!

House keeping

Today I was thinking about how amazing God is in my life. I am so flawed and without his miraculous intervention I would accomplish nothing. Take my job for example God gave gave me the most perfect job after my husband left. He made me a house keeper. Although I am not always perfect at it, he gave me a perfect job. I remember going to my pastor in desperation looking for a job. I needed a job that fit in with my full time school schedule and allowed me to pick up my kids every day from school. I needed to make the most money in the least amount of time. My pastor referred me to Patricia. She was such a God send. She had and still has great boundaries, a greatly needed attribute in my boundary less world. More than that she was a christian. a true christian. A strong woman of God that I desperately needed. I kept waiting for her to tell me I was fired. The whole year was such an emotional roller coaster. She never did that however. She gently guided me back in the right direction. Her consistency was amazing. Originally I went to apply for a job in her office. She told me to come down and fill out an application. I told her I wasn't dressed appropriately, and she said it didn't matter just come fill it out. So I showed up in my t shirt with no makeup on hair pulled back. I laugh thinking about it now. I was so stressed out scatterbrained out of my mind. She called me the next day and said that her husband had already filled the position and she was really sorry. I could tell she was disappointed. She then asked if I liked to clean, or would be interested in cleaning her house. I said I can. I can, meaning I will do whatever to take care of these kids but no I hate cleaning house. See I didn't really believe I was capable of cleaning a house anymore. I had spent years trying to keep my own house clean to no avail. There was, and still is at least one room that is a pit at all times. God had other plans though. I would have chose a very social job. I would have engulfed myself in the lives of others, and not thought about my life, or my kids, using as little time to reflect as possible. God put me in a job where for the most part there is complete solitude. He also made it physical labor so that while I was reflecting on my life, my situation, my failed marriage, I could use all that anger and pain and scrub the crap out of something. One thing God knew however was that I love to serve and bless people. When I clean someone's house I get a lot of satisfaction knowing that my work is making someone's home more enjoyable. When they walk into their home they can breathe a sigh of relief, and spend time with the people that truly matter. It is so neat how God works. I have learned so much about myself. I also learned that not only can I clean a whole house well in the matter of hours, I can clean a house three times my houses size in under 5 hours. I don't know what my future holds, but I know with God it will be great!

Fear

If you have been in my life for very long you have probably heard me say don't live in fear. The bible says do not fear 365 times. So I have been told. If so, God must have known how crippling fear is in our lives and how often it would attack us. Some people don't even know that they live in fear. I didn't think I did. There was a time I lived in fear. I lived in an apartment in Tulsa right off of Riverside. A girl was found dead in a drainage ditch less than a hundred feet from the house, someone was murdered at my laundromat, and a serial rapist had been chased off of my back porch. I lived in fear. When my husband at the time would leave for work at 3 or 4 in the morning, I would stay up until the sun came up, and then crash. I was scared. That kind of fear is easy to recognize. You feel your pulse race, and your heartbeat thunders. You feel as if you can't breathe. It is like that moment before a car wreck when you see it coming and can't do anything about it. Not long after that we moved and the fear subsided.
There is another fear not so easily recognized. People call it anything but fear. Some people call it love. I love him, and no matter what he does I can't let go. Really they are scared, scared they will never find someone to love them like that again. Sometimes they are scared of being alone.
Parents will sometimes enable their children in the name of love, but really its fear. They fear that God will not follow through on his promises. They fear their children will feel the same pain that they have felt in life. Sometimes they don't realize that the very pain they experienced shaped them. Today I realized I was living in fear. I wanted to kick myself, because I never realized it was fear. Today I said maybe God made me to be single. Maybe I was not meant for marriage. I maintain pretty well just me and God. Did you hear that? I was justifying my fear. I am not saying some are not made for the single life. I believe God has a special place for us in singleness. However, I don't believe I was created to be single. I believe I am in this place in my life for God to grow me. He is pruning me. He is bringing the negative to light. He is helping me discern the lies from the truth. Today he helped me discern that I was not created to be alone. Today he showed me I was speaking in fear of rejection. The most damaging thing about my divorce is that someone knew me. He knew my heart, and my spirit. He knew my flaws. He knew every good thing about me, and every bad, and didn't choose me. I am smart enough to know it is not all about me. We each have to figure out life on our own. Sometimes we put undue pressure on ourselves and others. Sometimes we are unhappy and want to blame someone or something because we can't understand ourselves and our pain. I know this, and I know that it takes two for any relationship to end. I know a lot of stuff, but their is always that little voice in the back of your mind that says why couldn't I be enough. While I was thinking about this simple life of singleness I was enjoying a familiar country song came on the TV. It sangs that's the good stuff. I realized I want the good stuff! I was made for the good stuff! I want to be 80 years old in a little rocker on my front porch and look to my right and see a man that melts my heart. I want to look at his worn wrinkled hands and love them knowing how hard we worked to get there. Until I want to laugh so hard every day until I cry. I want to explore the world with him, and feel safe in his strong arms. Right now I am still going to do that. I am not going to put my life on hold waiting for someone. I am going to appreciate the days, and appreciate my children. I am going to laugh with my girlfriends, and explore the mysteries and secret treasures of this world with God. I am going to get out in the back yard and play with my kids, and paint memories on my mind. Then someday when the time is right, and I am ready, and God is ready He is going to send me that imperfect flawed beautiful man that will take my hand and walk this life with me. So today I throw perfection and rejection out the window. Tomorrow when I wake, I will say to myself Do not fear.

From God Through Me to You

In a lot of ways we are like children when it comes to sin unless we reach a place of spiritual maturity. We want to see the consequences and weigh the sin. If the benefits of the sin outweigh the consequence we choose the sin. The problem with this is sin is an energy. According to Isaac Newton's Conservation of Energy theory. Energy can't be created or destroyed only transformed. When sin comes into your life is does not die it is either transferred or transformed. Sometimes the transfer is immediate, and the reproof keeps us from continuing to dig that pit, but most often the results of our sin are seen over time. The Bible says that the payment of sin is death. Because God sent Jesus to die for our sins we are forgiven and are saved from death, but not from the effects of sin. The Bible refers to this concept as reaping and sowing. It is a universal concept. It applies to both Christians and non Christians. It applies to both good and evil. This is part of what makes us free. We are not free from responsibility, but free to choose our own path. If God only allowed Christians to acquire wealth and happiness, ultimately choosing Him would not be a choice. Everyone would be forced to choose God if they wanted any of those benefits. It wouldn't require any faith because the evidence would be there. Ultimately the law of reaping and sowing attributes to our free will. We know that we will reap what we sow, but we don't often know in what form that reaping will occur.

Sin is great in the moment. It tastes good. It feels good. From the very beginning it has been that way. Eve didn't taste the forbidden fruit and throw it down saying Yuck, that is some bitter nasty stuff. No she enjoyed it so much so that she wanted to share it with Adam. The energy of her sin was then transferred to Adam. Adam and Eve didn't create sin it was already there. It had to be. If the choice was not there we would be puppets, and God didn't want puppets. He wanted to be chosen. He created us, and he first loved us, but He wants us to choose Him back. Without the choice to sin we would not truly have free will.

Sin tastes good and feels good. We didn't die when we sinned. Why would God not want us to have this? The danger of the sin lies in the energy. The energy must transfer or transform, and we don't often see how that will happen.

Everyone knows that premarital sex is a sin. Sex can be awesome, amazing, beautiful. You can enjoy sex outside of marriage if you choose. God attaches strings to sex to enhance relationship, and heighten the experience. God wants us to have sex. In a marriage, a God ordained marriage, these components are pure blessing. Out of God's will these strings will bring you pain. There are two consequences that everyone knows for sure about premarital sex. You can get pregnant, and you can get an STD. I guess married people know these things too. In fact it is a great way to catch an adulterer.

One might look at those consequences and say I have got those things covered. I always use protection, and I take birth control. If you are really smart you may have had your partner and yourself tested beforehand. The percentages look good! If you do these things you are probably not going to get pregnant, but sin is an energy. You aren't smarter than sin, and you aren't smarter than God. The sin has to either transfer or transform. You must reap what you sow. Maybe you take birth control for years, and when you are ready to have kids your body won't allow it. Maybe the relationship ends, and you find someone new. That person epitomizes your lifelong partner, but you aren't as satisfied by them sexually. Maybe they are unable to give them self completely to their future spouse. They were wounded, and unable to experience the passionate blind intensity that comes with first loves. Maybe they were too young, and missed a very important developmental step.

Jean Piaget refers to the period of adolescence through young adulthood as Formal Operations. In this stage you experience Identity versus Role Confusion. You either develop an identity or experience some type of foreclosure or moratorium. What if you were in a long term sexual relationship during this stage. You very likely would find your identity in that other person. Maybe that person leaves, and you are completely lost. You always reap what you sow. Can you ever get those things back? Can sex with your husband surpass previous partners? One these things happen are they forever set in stone. Are you forever left childless without an identity? Yes, you can experience these things and much more. But now you must work for something that was once freely given to you. Sometimes that feels like the chicken pox. Have you ever heard anyone say it is better to get the chicken pox as a child? I remember the chicken pox as a child, it was painful. I remember showering, and the puss would get in my eyes, and it would burn worse than soap. I can't imagine how much more painful that would be as an adult.

Maybe you believe that some sin is just a right of passage that everyone has to go through. To you I say beware. The laws remain the same. You have to reap what you sow. Maybe you never got pregnant, maybe you didn't get alcohol poisoning. Maybe you never woke up not knowing what happened the night before but knowing by your body that something happened. Beware, because your children might. See your sin and the rationalization or glamorization of it can desensitise your children. They may not fully understand the weight of that sin, and they may very likely fall into the worst of that pit. Drinking, Drugs, premarital sex they are not rights of passage. With time you see the effects. If you are a parent you know how much you want to protect your children. You know how there pain seems to cause you more pain than your own pain. The hardest part about life is having no control over anyone else and only limited control over yourself. You can only change things about yourself when you understand why you chose those things in the first place.

There is not a lot that can be more devastating than watching your sins amplified through your child and having no ability to stop the destruction.

To those of you thinking good thing I never did drugs, drank or had premarital sex. What are your sins? We all have them. What are your unrepentant sins? The sins that you justify or claim don't affect anyone but yourself. Maybe you overeat, and don't take care of your body. You depend on food for your comfort and not God. It just tastes so good and every time you overeat your stomach and food capacity grows. Have you repented for that? Have you changed your ways? You know the consequences on your body of being overweight. How are you going to feel when you are a burden on your family with health issues that you knew you could have prevented with a more disciplined lifestyle. What if your child starts looking up to Bobbie's mom down the street, because she is healthy and self confident? What if Bobbie's mom doesn't believe in God? Your child sees her up, bouncing along, feeling good. She's reaping those good eating habits, and that exercise regimen. Your child looks at you out of shape and exhausted. Which lifestyle is more appealing to you? Does it mean they won't love you? No! Does it mean they won't respect you? Not necessarily, but it may affect the path they choose in life. The energy from your sin passes to them, and they have to suffer, and work for something that was freely given.

Maybe your sin is judgement. You have been offended by someone and you base their worth on that decision. There is a big difference in judging sin and people. I had to learn this recently first hand. I passed a judgement out of pain, and put myself on a higher level than someone else. You better be careful about that. When you are watching someone else's steps you are not likely watching your own feet. You can easily fall into that same pit. I had a choice to make. I either had to label myself as I labeled her or forgive her.

Right now you may be trying to think of what your unrepentant sin is. God says that we are to repent and turn away from that sin. If there is a sin that is still in your life you haven't truly repented. If there is a sin you have committed that you count as a right of passage or not a "bad" sin you truly haven't repented.

All of this may seem condemning to you. That is not my intention in any way shape or form. Remember just as an energy of sin exists so does an energy of good. The law of reaping and sowing applies to good as well as bad. You might not always see the reward for your good, but it is there and it will transfer as surely as sin energy does.

My final point is probably the most important. As I was enlightened with the revelation of sin as an energy, I wondered how grace plays into all of this. God doesn't contradict himself; everything sowed is reaped. Remember when I said the energy must either be transferred or transformed. Sin energy is the same way. It can't be created or destroyed but it can be transformed. When two substances come together and form something new that no longer has the characteristics of of the former substances it is called a compound. When you truly repent, and remove the guilt and condemnation out a great weight feels lifted off of you. When you take that sin that you have repented and confess it someone, someone you have sinned against, or to the people that watched you do it, and may have received the transfer of your sin something amazing happens. When you confess your sin, and show your weakness, and vulnerability you show people that the body of Christ screws up and sins also, and God loves us anyway. You allow them to confess and release their mistakes and burdens. You begin living in community without pretense as Jesus wanted us to. When you bring your repented sin out of the darkness into the light it forms a compound with God's Grace and becomes a life breathing, truth freeing, magnificent energy with much more power than your sin ever had. God loves us so much that he not only sent his son that we may not die, but he gave us power and dominion over this world so that the same sin that so easily entangles can be busted up with truth and He will disperse it as far as the East is from the West!